Lasting and joyous marriage relationship doesn’t just happen, you create and sustain it with continuous effort. Love, like a tree, grows stronger when it is planted in good soil, nurtured with clean water, fertilized often, and pruned. Many times a new tree must have support stakes to keep it from being destroyed by fierce winds and adverse weather while it comes to maturity.
Love fades in the environment of neglect, hostility, and resentment. Love secrets will empower you to create a great relationship. You must become a lover, a skilled communicator in the language of the heart. Most married couples spend less than thirty minutes each week sharing their most intimate feelings. Love must be cultivated, or it will die.
What is love secret?
What you are willing to walk away from will determine what God can bring you to
Let me give you two illustrations that will emphasize this point. Samson was a handsome and athletic young man in Israel. He was not attracted to any woman of his faith. In spite of his parents’ warning, he chose to give his heart to Deliah, an unbeliever. Samson should have walked away instantly from Deliah, because the Bible says, “Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers” (2Cor 6:14). Samson’s bitter reward for not walking away was a cheap haircut that cost him his power with God. The anointing left him, and he didn’t know it. When the Philistines came to capture him, Samson said, “I will go out as before, as other times, and shake myself free” (Jud 16:20). He engaged the Philistines in combat and was quickly conquered. They burned out his eyes with a hot poker and forced him to grind corn like an ox all the days of his adult life, all the while mocking him in their capital city. All he had to do to have a successful and happy life was to walk away from Deliah.
Let's see David's case.David should have walked away from Bathsheba. But he did not, and committed adultery with her. David entered into a conspiracy to murder the husband of Bathsheba, Uriah, to hide Bathsheba’s pregnancy before the eyes of Israel. His lust produced a child, who died shortly after birth. The prophet Nathan walked into the palatial chambers of King David, pointed his finger in the white face of the sovereign, and said, “You are the one who committed sin in the sight of God!” (2Sam 12:7). Because David did not walk away from Bathsheba, God promised that the sword would never depart from his house (2Sam 12:10). Their first-born child died at birth. Absalom became a rebel who wanted to murder his father and take his kingdom from him. David’s daughter Tamar was raped by David’s son Amnon. David’s wives were used sexually by Absalom in the sight of all Israel. David lived in shame and public ridicule until the day he died because of his illicit relationship with Bathsheba.
Is there someone in your life from whom you need to walk away? Remember that good is the enemy of better, and better is the enemy of best. Before God can give you something that is better, He has to take that which is good away from you. And before He can give you what is the best, He must take what is better away. If you do not trust God to bring you to your divine destiny and absolutely believe that your best interest is His top concern, you will live in torment, worrying over your relationships. Don’t be afraid to walk away from a relationship in your life if that person does not meet your spiritual requirements for a lifetime partner.
Love is not a license to change or to control your partner
Mary and Harry attended the same church, where they met and, sometime later, married. On a counseling sheet during their premarital counseling, all of the requirements for an exciting marriage and a prosperous future were evident. However, shortly after they were married, storm clouds formed on the horizon. Mary was a control freak. She tried to put an iron yoke around the neck of Harry and make him accountable for every minute of his day. She gave him a cell phone and demanded that he stay in touch with her every instant. If he felt work to go to the bank, get his haircut, or shop for a new suit, she wanted to know about it before it happened.
Mary also became extremely jealous. She checked the phone bill of his cell phone to see whom he called and how long they talked, and she interrogated him about the calls. Her father had been a blue-ribbon whoremonger, and she believed it was the universal curse of all men. Mary controlled the checkbook, and any questions about how the funds were spent led to Word War III with Harry. Harry was gregarious, yet Mary wanted him to stay at home. Mary was given the choice of loosening up or of losing her marriage. In her case, she lost her marriage. It was more important to her to have control of her husband than it was to hang on to the marriage relationship. It has been said, “If you love something, set it free. If it is truly yours, it will return. If it doesn’t return, it was never yours.”
A struggle for control between two people is often a struggle to the death. As one struggles to get free, the other struggles more intensely to control that person. The only possible solution is for the one trying to do the controlling to set that person free, or else the relationship will be totally destroyed. How controlling are you in your relationship?
The folly of believing, “I understand her”
“I understand her” has to be one of the most stupid remarks I hear young men make about their future wives. No, you don't. She doesn’t understand herself. She cries when she’s happy, or for no reason whatsoever. At times she doesn’t even know why she cries. If you ask her why she’s crying, she will tell you, “I don’t know.”
Stop believing that you understand her. Try to make every day an adventure of good will, rather than trying to be a young
Sigmund Freud who is psychoanalyzing your partner and structuring a relationship that will not survive the storms of life.
Stop playing the blame game
The “me” generation in America has been taught not to accept responsibility for their actions. Sir Winston Churchill said, “Responsibility is the key to greatness.” Why do you do what you do? The answer is very simple. You do what you do because you are who you are. If you cannot accept responsibility for who you have become and for the things you do, no marriage counselor on earth could keep your marriage together. Blaming your partner and complaining about what she does doesn’t work. Most of us try to blame others for the emotional agony we experience. We say things like: “Stop making me feel guilty.” “After all I’ve done for you, this is the thanks I get.” “It’s your fault. Don’t come crying to me because of your choices.”
How often have you told your wife to make a decision for both of you, and then complained about the outcome? You tell her to pick a place to eat supper, yet when she does, it’s the wrong place. You tell her to choose the movie to go see, and when she picks the movie, it’s the wrong movie. Don’t become like the man who complained about everything his wife did. On one particular morning, he told her, “I want you to fry one egg and boil the other.” Graciously, she did so. When she brought both eggs on a plate to the table and set it before him, he looked at his wife and snarled, saying, “You boiled the wrong egg.”
Tragically, I know husbands who criticize everything their wives do. Stop it. You are systematically destroying her self-esteem and every feeling of self-worth she has. You are blaming her for your faults, your failures, and your emotional insecurities. You can break the blaming habit by praising your wife sincerely and publicly when she does something good.
Shift your attention from nagging about everything she does that not satisfy you to blessing her for those things she does that make your life as sweet as the days of heaven on earth.